pick it apart and i'll tear it down
by ketsole
Summary: And that's the kicker, isn't it? It's not him, it's never been him, or Tori, or anyone else who got caught in the fallout. It's always been her. Post TWC.


**this is a whole mf mess**

* * *

When Tori's door doesn't open, Jade can't help but think she's dreaming.

She'll wake up any second.

(_beck will hold her in his arms, whisper he's sorry_)

She never wakes up, the door never opens, and suddenly she's standing there, shivering. She heads back to her car and gets in, decides that driving around is better than just _standing _there-

On the way home, she pulls over and throws up.

*:･ﾟ

"I thought you were staying at your boyfriend's place." Her Mom says as soon as she walks through the door.

"Yeah, me too." Jade dead-pans.

As soon as she gets to her room she changes her status on TheSlap to _no longer in a relationship. _

She sleeps like a baby that night.

*:･ﾟ

"Hey,"

It's the first thing he says to her Monday at school, and her body is on automatic when she snaps back a "Yeah, _hey_."

She still feels the bite of his glare behind her and has to bite her lip so she won't scream some terrible, hurtful thing at him in the middle of the hallway.

The worst part is she's sure she wouldn't regret it.

*:･ﾟ

She is mean, she is downright _cruel_ to everyone she knows.

"I get you're upset about the breakup, but you don't have to be so fucking _awful_." Tori snaps at her during lunch.

(it happens right after she calls robbie a mistake)

When she gives them all a half-assed apology there's a smile tugging at her lips.

*:･ﾟ

Tears came more easily when she was with him.

It's telling, really.

A month and counting and she don't cry at all. Her eyes don't get damp, not even when she finds out through Andre that he's on a date with some Northridge girl. They don't get damp when she finds out about him and Tori's not-date. They don't get damp when she sees all their pictures gone on his Slap page.

*:･ﾟ

Cat takes her out a lot.

They go to parties and diners and the mall and sneak into the movies. Sometimes Robbie hangs out with them (_no, Rob, you can't bring the fucking puppet) _and maybe Tori if Jade doesn't feel like slapping her.

For as long as she can remember it's been _Beck&Jade _and she's surprised at how quickly she's learning to just be _Jade._

*:･ﾟ

"_You'd never leave me right?" _

She was probably drunk when she asked.

"_Of course not." _

He's always been a goddamn liar.

*:･ﾟ

Andre asks if she would like to help him write more songs, to which Jade reluctantly says yes.

Her lyrics are mostly about rainy nights and car crashes and broken things but all the songs sound pretty and Andre says _they're good Jade really I promise_ even though his eyes always say something else.

*:･ﾟ

Things are going fine, until they aren't.

She's dealing perfectly fine, and then she's not.

All because of Beck motherfucking Oliver and out of all the boys in Hollywood Arts she just _had_ to pick him-

One day she sees him standing at his locker with Tori (she really could give two shits) then she sees something silver slide out from his shirt collar.

Long, thin chain and a small medallion with a black J.

She doesn't even make it to her locker before she's walking back out the building, feelings on fire, fists clenched at her sides.

*:･ﾟ

_where r u_

_jaaaaade_

_r u skipping?_

When Jade gets home she locks her phone in her Dad's safe and locks herself in her room.

*:･ﾟ

She decides she can't go to school if every time she sees Beck it makes her want to light things on fire.

(is it things that deserve to catch on fire, or is it her? she's never sure.)

She skips school for a whole two weeks, and the school's calls keep going to voice mail, and Cat and Robbie keep emailing her all her homework and her parents don't notice or don't care (when have they ever) and she starts to get a little too used to having the curtains drawn.

She's ok.

Now there's long walks around the neighborhood and even longer naps under blankets that just can't seem to warm her up and missed calls and the rebirth of her addiction to Marlboro's and sleepless nights (so _so_ many) and forgotten meals and the blur of time.

She's ok.

But sometimes, when she starts to feel again, she'll smoke a cigarette and wrap her arms around herself and feel the sharpness of her ribs and everything will become numb enough-

Jade knows she can't kill her emotions, but she can damn well try.

*:･ﾟ

"Jade, c'mon, just tell us where you are, please," Robbie pleads over the home phone. "We can go watch a movie, or go get trashed, look we can do whatever you want, please, we're just worried."

Cat butts in. "Jadey? It's been really lonely without you."

Jade closes her eyes and tells them she'll be ready in a half-hour.

When they pick her up, she ignores their stares (she's gaunt and pale and smells like cigarettes) and asks where they're going. They go mini-golfing, but Jade's too tired to play, so she just sits and watches Robbie and Cat laugh as they wack each other with the clubs and fail to score a single point.

She'd be lying if she said it doesn't put the beginnings of a smile on her face.

*:･ﾟ

When she finally gets back to school, Robbie and Cat help her convince everyone she just had a terrible case of the flu, but that she's fine now, she's recovered, everything is _fine_ ok?

(as if there's a medicine that can fix broken hearts)

Sikowtiz looks her up and down then offers her the lead role in a play.

She doesn't even need to process the request before saying no, but he doesn't give her a choice.

"It's either that or you fail my class," He crosses his arms and she suddenly feels fury boiling inside her.

"I've been doing all the assignments, you can't just-" Jade protests.

"Would it kill you?" He asks.

_Yes. _

He hands her a well-worn booklet and smiles. "Try and learn all your lines by next week. They're highlighted."

When Jade sees the title of the play she has to resist throwing herself down a flight of stairs. "Sikowitz, you have got to be _fucking_ kidding me-"

*:･ﾟ

It turns out there is medicine for a broken heart.

(it's called distraction, and in a way, she already knew that)

The guy who plays Romeo is gorgeous and unbearably good at kissing. He takes everything soft and slow and likes to tell Jade how beautiful she looks when he takes her on long drives after rehearsals.

"There's no _us_ outside this play. You know that right?" Jade leans against his car (it's a silver audi, not the 70s chevy she's used to) and smokes while he fills it up with gas. "When it's over so are we."

"I don't think Juliet ever had green highlights." He fingers strands of her hair and when he smiles it crinkles the corners of his eyes.

"I mean it." Jade drops her cigarette butt and crushes it under her boot. "I don't care about _whatever_ this is. You're just temporary."

(get mad get mad get mad _please _fight with me)

Instead, he kisses her and doesn't stop until someone yells at them to _move_.

*:･ﾟ

On opening night when they're doing the balcony scene, she almost falters.

She gets caught up in his grass-green eyes and his dimples and the memory of his lips on hers and she thinks she could. She thinks _why the fuck not_.

When she has to kiss him, it makes her dizzy, and during their standing ovation, there's only one person she's looking for in the crowd.

Beck Oliver is nowhere to be fucking seen, and she knows it's because there's no reason for him to show up.

*:･ﾟ

Cat finds Jade hours after the play ends, curled up in milky bathtub water.

"Hey," Cat kneels down next to the bathtub, voice unbearably soft.

Jade says nothing back, arms crossed and eyes closed, all her makeup from the play still frozen on her face.

She opens one eye and sees Cat peeling her socks off. She opens both eyes and Cat's climbing into the tub next to her, still in full Lady Capulet costume.

"He asked me to be his girlfriend," Jade says.

"Oh. " Cat says. "You said no."

Jade doesn't need to nod. "We were just using each other. There wasn't anything-There wasn't anything there."

What she really means is, there were no warm afternoons spent in each other's arms on the beach there was no loud drives to school where they sang Broadway songs off-key there was no thumbing away quiet tears and makeup kisses there was no discussing the future there was no heat behind anything they did there was no ache to wake up next to each other because there was only one person they wanted to talk to in the morning there was no coffee dates and no _i love you i love you i love you you _know _i love you_-

"I'm just-"

"Don't tell me you're tired," Cat says. "You always say you're tired."

Jade sighs, presses the heels of her hands to her eyes as if she can somehow forget him entirely. "I'm angry. Happy now?"

"You're always angry too."

"Not at myself," Jade whispers.

And that's the kicker, isn't it? It's not him, it's never been him, or Tori, or anyone else who got caught in the fallout. It's always been her.

"There's a reason he didn't open the door." Jade picks at the hole in her tights.

Cat grips Jade's icy hand and rubs it with her thumb. "_Fuck_ Beck Oliver."

"No." Jade sniggers. "Not anymore."

Cat's mouth forms into a big O and when a laugh pushes itself past her lips Jade can't help but laugh too and then they're both cackling, laughing until their cheeks are sore and their ribs ache and tears spring out of the corners of Jade's eyes and that's when she lets herself cry because everything fucking _hurts_ and wouldn't it just be easier if you never let yourself love at all?

Cat just strokes her hair and traces patterns on the back of her hand and mumbles stupid stories about her brother and tells Jade to _breathe_.

*:･ﾟ

The water turns frigid, but they don't move.


End file.
